


Listen to Many, Speak to Few

by LucifersLady



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dark Past, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Father Figure, Fear of Death, Gen, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:45:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3842710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucifersLady/pseuds/LucifersLady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are a university student who prefers books to people, with a dark past that brought bobby and the winchestors into your life. Years later you are recruited by team free will to translate some texts to help against the fight with raphael. Through the story you learn to face your past and the overwhelming fear of the supernatural that haunts your life. through your struggles you learn that not all non-humans are bad as you are inadvertently left to tend to a wounded balthazar. Can he cleanse the scars on your heart while you tend to his physical injuries?  </p><p>((NOTE: i am in love with william shakespeare so the main character and balthazar quote alot from his works. its common ground that they build from. so,apologies if it throws you!))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bobby Singer

    You frown softly as you listen to Bobby's gruff voice, he needed some help and, though he knew how you felt about his line of work, was asking for a favor. It was true the university was on break, and you did owe the man many things; most prominently your life. However bad things circled people like your old friend, and you'd be lying if you said you weren't nervous. You thumbed the copy of Coriolanus absentmindedly, you had been reading it when bobby called. It was your most recent addition to your Shakespeare collection.   
"Alright Bobby, God knows i owe you. I'll do it."   
you sigh, smiling at his enthusiastic gratitude.   
**_He must be desperate_**   
you thought in amusement Bobby didnt really get enthusiastic about much.   
"I'll be there by morning"   
you assure him and hang up. putting your book down you walk to your bedroom to pack the bare necessities for your trip. As you wander through your room, tossing things into your duffel bag you think back, remembering.   
  
3 years ago you were a freshman in college, still living at home and blissfully ignorant of the existence of bobby singer, and the nightmares he hunted. you looked forward to your studies and had a small group of good friends.   
  
**_-drip-  
_** _You could still remember it vividly. walls painted with violent red. you reached out unconsciously, as if you were still holding the door nob as you walked into your home for the last time._  
 _and the smell..._  
 _You blocked out alot of that night, for your sanity's sake, but you would always remember that smell._  
 _sharp, nauseating, forboding._  
 _the smell of blood._   
  
It would have been your blood. but for the grace of god, and Bobby Singer.   
  
You shake your head, suppressing a shudder. hoping to jolt yourself out of your unpleasant recollections you move to your bookshelf and grabbed a few volumes, in case you had free time. Being the bookworm you were, you loved shakespeare. the language was beautiful and meaningful. timeless. there was a quote for everything. and it was easier to get lost in petty human tragedies than face the supernatural ones you buried years ago.   
smiling sadly you shoulder your bag and walk out of your home, locking the door behind you. as you pull your key back an exposed splinter jabs your thumb, just enough to hurt. you winced and sucked on it absentmindedly as you walked toward your car.   
"by the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes"   
you murmur, laughing softly at your bad joke. and hoping this wasnt a bad omen of things to come.   
  
  
**6 hours later**   
  
  
You pulled up outside the rundown house, maneuvering passed the teetering piles of cars. It needed some tlc, but the ancient two story had character. with a deep breath you walk the few steps across the porch and knock lightly. After a few moments the door flew open and Bobby looked at you and smiled,   
"Thanks for coming kid"   
he pulled you into a rough one armed hug and you returned it gingerly. You felt a tad nervous, you hadnt seen bobby in over a year since you had called him when some telltale signs popped up in the city and you tipped him to a job, and it felt awkward, but you were glad to help in a safe monster-free way.   
"its been a while"   
you replied as he ushered you inside. you followed him to the kitchen where two familiar faces waited.   
"you remember sam.."   
he pointed to the lanky man to your right, he gave a tentative wave,   
"and dean"   
he motioned to the man to your left, who took a swig of beer and smiled in a friendly way.   
"hard to forget"   
you murmered, your hand reaching up to trace the amulet you always wore, dean had given it to you the night you met the trio. sam grimaced and looked down, deans eyes met yours and you saw pity. trying to interrupt the awkward atmosphere bobby led you through the kitchen towards the table where stacks of books and papers teetered ominously. in front of an empty chair you saw a beautiful leather bound book by itself. "this is the book i told you about" bobby explained, pulling out the chair so you could sit.   
"i know its asking alot but we need this translated yesterday, and i couldnt think of anyone better"   
you smirked softly at his praise, you would be hard pressed to find anyone who could translate better or faster. or maybe that was your ego  
talking.   
  
     Some people had a talent for painting, or math; you? You had a knack for languages. Okay, maybe "knack" wasnt the right word to describe it. Your inexplicable ability to be able to read a text or hear a conversation and even if you had never heard the language before; you understood. Like in Dr. Who where the tardis translated everything. Except in youir case, your brain was the Tardis. It wasnt a super power, but it was useful. So much so that bobby was willing to call in a favor even though he felt guilty for dragging you back into his bloody battles. Some people who are exposed to the hunters world want to join the fight, but you just wanted to be left alone. their world frightened you. and you wanted nothing to do with it more than absolutely neccesary.   
     Since meeting Bobby three years ago you had grown introverted and cynical. but with the things you've seen, its not suprising. things that used to bring you joy seemed like a bother. and people? well lets say you developed some trust issues. all in all you were quite comfortable locked in your apartment, or sitting in class, nose buried in a book and people held at arms length. The teachers labeled you "antisocial" but who needed friends when you had the worlds of shakespeare, hemmingway, and virginia woolf to escape into?   
     You looked down at the beautifully inscribed text, opening the book your eyes rolled over the foreign text and slowly the words and symbols started to shift jumping into focus. At first you were confused, but as you read on you broke into a cold sweat, this book...   
**_Definately should have stayed home_ **  
you thought desperately. The book pertained to angels, specifically arch angels. lore, on their weakness, strengths, even summoning and banishing rituals. If this was the "vital information" they needed...you REALLY didnt want to be involved. wasnt one horror story enough for one lifetime? apparently not with Bobby singer and his cohorts in your address book.   
"W-What do you need with...with...this?"   
you asked in a frightened whisper, finishing lamely as you couldnt bring yourself to say the word 'angel'. monsters were bad enough...but angels? that was lightyears past your pay grade.   
   Dean grinned, not reading your reaction, just excited you, obviously, could read it. Bobby gave a sympathetic half smile   
"suffice to say we have a whole new brand of trouble on our hands sweet heart."   
he didnt elaborate, and for that you were grateful. ignoring the religious rammifications of this apiphany...angels? god knows what they could do to you if you ended up in the middle. you gave a shudder and bobby clasped your shoulder in support   
"I know you dont like it, but its important"   
You take a deep breath, preparing to start reading aloud but you didnt get the chance. in an instant a powerful gust blew the papers around you into a mess and you let out a shrill wail as two men appeared out of no where in the middle of the kitchen. Humans did NOT just appear out of thin air. One, a tall raven haired man in a trench coat, held up his companion, who was slumped over, blood trickling from a wound in his abdomen. His dirty blond hair matted to his face. you stumbled backward your chair toppling over as you threw yourself backwards as bobby sam and dean rushed forward. sam and bobby carted the injured one to the couch and lay him down, bobby shouting instructions as sam took off to grab medical supplies. dean grabbed the other to steady him, a wound on his head making him unsteady and he stumbled. Your eyes were drawn to the small puddle the injured man had left on the floor as dean supported the newcomer.   
"Cas! Cas what happened?!"   
  
_blood_  
 ** _-drip-_**  
 _blood dripping down the walls,_  
 _pooling at your feet._  
 _the slick sound of metal on flesh_  
 _metal on bone_  
 _next came the fear_  
 _fear for yourself_  
 _fear for her_  
 _and a pair of sinister eyes_  
 _moving closer in the dark_  
  
You flatten yourself against the wall, trembling.   
**_Something wicked this way comes_ **  
you think to yourself. still imagining the blood dripping, lost in the nightmare. sam runs back in with arms full. Bobby nods, already pressing a cloth against the wound as he reaches for thread he stops, remembering you he glances your way, grimacing as he sees your panic. this is what he had been afraid of, exposing you and setting you off.   
"balls"   
he grabbed the medical supplies from sam and jerked his head towards you. sam looked over at you and he sighed, pity in his eyes as he slowly walked over to you slowly so as not to scare you more. he called to you but your eyes were far away, you didnt answer. he reached out to touch your shoulder gently.   
   you jerk away as you feel a touch on your shoulder, eyes rolling wildly. sam calls to you softly and you try to focus, wading through the memories to the present. you let out a soft whimper, trying to look at sam but your gaze kept snapping back to the newcomer next to dean, you caught snatches of conversation between dean and the newcomer "cas".   
"...unforseen...had me trapped....out of nowhere....barely escaped."   
sam again tried to rest a hand on your shoulder, you didnt fight him this time.   
"calm down, its okay. they're friends"  
you let out a wild disbelieving laugh. The injured man hissed in pain as bobby worked over him to stem the flow of blood, you knew better than to look so you kept your gaze trained on the other one. he turned midsentence to check on his friend and his gaze fell on you when he heard you laugh. surprise lit his features , you winced instinctively. Fear and panic radiated from you in waves. he took a step toward you, brow furrowed in confusion.   
dean looked your way, just now realising the state you were in, he put a hand on his shoulder to halt his advance. sam held up a hand appeasingly   
"give her some space for a minute." sam moved his hand to your back, rubbing in soothing circles, you tried to match your breath to the movement so you wouldnt hyperventilate. it wasnt working.   
_**damn you bobby singer straight to the fiery pits of hell!**_   
you screamed in your head, he pulls you in and now your feet away from a damn god-knows-what.   
"This is Castiel, he's...well.."   
sam struggled for the right words  
"I am an angel of the lord"   
Castiel said in a gravelly voice, cutting sam off. still unsure why you were in such a state.   
"why do you fear me?"   
he questioned. you laughed quietly, almost hysterically. Warrior from god... whats to be afraid of? coherant speech was impossible, dean leaned to murmur in castiel's ear, castiel glanced at you as he listened, still confused   
"i fail to see how this explains her fear of me. I am not..."   
dean cut him off,   
"not everyone deals with crazy as well as us. just let it go for now"   
castiel gave you one last look before padding into the other room to observe his friend. while sam tried to convince you to release your death grip on the wall.   
  
**Several hours later**   
  
The injured man, well angel, lay quietly on the couch near the kitchen, the rest grouped in the kitchen whispering quietly to one another. You sat in a stuffed armchair as far as was possible from the sleeping angel, knees drawn up to your chin protectively as you tried to distract yourself with one of the books you had brought. a collection of lesser known shakespearean plays. but it was hard to read as your eyes kept darting warily to the -gulp- angel across the room. looking back down you spotted a line and let a small half small escape.   
"courage and comfort, all shall yet go well"   
You murmured softly to yourself. it was a good line, and you tried to let the sentiment soak in and lesson the knot of fear in your stomach. after much coaxing and pleading sam and bobby had convinced you not to run screaming from the premises. Angels were not, in fact, what caused your deep rooted fears. in fact normal people saw them as protectors or allies. but after everything you had been through...anything out of the ordinary caused great spikes of fear to pierce through you. especially something as...powerful as angels were supposed to be. you just hoped they were as "friendly" as bobby claimed. getting smited was not high on your prefered ways to die   
  
"Fine bobby, Ill get your damn lore. but then im GONE. and any debt i had is repaid tenfold"   
you had snapped at him, more from taught nerves than actual anger.   
You had sat far away, but listened as the one they called "Cas" explained how they had been ambushed by other angels sent by someone called "raphael" and the one who had been injured had given them a brief window to escape, but didnt make it out unscathed.   
  
   Your eyes flitted back to the unmoving angel fearfully, like he was a coiled snake instead of an injured person. Angels may not be the source of your fear, but the beings and creatures in bobby's world were too powerful to be safe. or trusted. all this was too much, it opened up old wounds. You were so tired of being afraid.   
  
_- **drip-**_  
 ** _-drip-_**  
 _A terrifying laugh echoed through your memories_   
  
you bit your lip, hard, and repressed a shiver. pausing to wipe away a tear that had escaped.   
  
" ~~A Pleur est de rendre moins la profondeur du chagrin~~ "   
you jumped as a soft voice murmured to you in french   
"To weep is to lessen the depth of grief"   
you tremble, eyes moving to the couch where you met his serious gaze.   
his expression was unreadable. an angel who quoted shakespeare, in french.   
you noticed a soft accent when he spoke.   
the curiosity kept the fear at bay for the moment. what a weird creature,   
"why so full of fear, sweetling?"   
he murmured softly, a frown of concern marring his features.   
butterflies ravaged your stomach and you were struck mute.   
his pale blue eyes wouldnt allow you to drop your gaze.   
not hostile, but gentle. it was almost worse.   
  
_**Lord help me**_   
  
you thought to yourself. what had you gotten yourself into?


	2. Against my better judgement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find out about the angel's mind reading and it doesn't go over well

You were trapped in his mesmerizing gaze,  
neither of you spoke, just stared  
you had a weird mental image of a snake charming a mouse  
before it ate the mouse  
  
Castiel appeared in the doorway, followed by everyone else, creating a welcome distraction.  
"balthazar"  
he said, his tone relieved. obviously he had heard him speak and came to check on him.  
balthazar finally broke eye contact, smiling amiably at his old friend.  
you let out a shaky breath as whatever spell you had succumbed to lifted  
the discomfort of so many people, and angels, in such close proximity caused you to shrink into your chair avoiding eye contact as you stared at the floor and listened.                      
you did not want to get caught in his gaze again.                                                                 
it hadnt been unpleasant, per se, more uncomfortable. unknown.                        
sam and dean stood off to the side, and bobby knelt to check balthazar's wound,  
"how ya feelin?"                                            
he asked, balthazar smiled but winced at the pressure.                                    
"decidedly not dead, so better than expected."  
he replied cheerfully, which caused you to bite down on a half smile. the joking almost made them seem...human.

 You opened your book and pretended to read, listening as the men began talking in serious tones probably continuing their discussion from the kitchen now that balthazar was awake, you guessed. "Raphael will know of your involvement by now" Castiel said in his gravelly voice, his face filled with regret. Balthazar sighed dramatically  
"Alas, it seems we are in this together then."  
he replied, wincing as he had thoughtlessly tried to raise an arm. but flashed a reassuring smile to his friend.  
"I knew what i was getting myself into Castiel. Dont fret"  
Castiel looked nervous, obviously trying to figure out what to say. feeling the tension mounting, dean and sam had a sudden need for a beer and disappeared into the kitchen. bobby went upstairs to get fresh bandages.  
"You saved my life"  
castiel said quietly.  
The simple statement caused a feeling of deja vu. In the play Timon of Athens the two main characters, brothers, had a scene together. one had been injured protecting the other and he had said the same thing. the injured brother had something quite fitting.

_I am not of the father, to shake off my friend when he has need of me._

 you sigh silently, plays were so much more poetic than real life. You heard a chuckle and looked up, giving a jolt of surprise when you see balthazar's eyes on you again. Castiel followed his gaze curiously, obviously confused.

"That was much more beautiful than what i was going to say"  
he complimented you. You looked at him like he was insane, you hadnt said anything!

"I am not of the father, to shake off my friend when he has need of me...yes that sums it up nicely"  
he repeated the line you had just thought. **thought.**

 "yes, it is quite profound."

 agreed castiel solemnly. Your book tumbled to the floor, your hands trembling too much to keep your grip, your eyes bulging. both angels faces were suprised as you stumbled to your feet, backing away as you fumbled for your protective charm. These...angels...could read minds?! the idea was terrifying. These angels...they were supposed to be good guys... but IT had read minds too.

 

_You open the front door of your childhood home. The smell of Lamb roast wafted from the kitchen. You smile, Mom's lamb was your absolute favorite! You took a step and stopped, the floor felt funny. why was it wet? You saw water puddle around your feet, you followed the trail and saw the liquid get progressively darker as it came from the kitchen._

_-drip-_

_-drip-_

_A sinister voice. a familiar voice._

**_I can hear you_ **

 Castiel took a step forward, concern showing on his face as you went from trembling to terrified. balthazar groaned in pain. he had instinctively tried to sit up towards you. Both, having already been tuned to your thoughts, heard the memory. they didnt get far, tears leaked down your cheeks,

 "stay away from me"                                          

you whimper, and fled the room. scampering upstairs to bobby. and safety. By all accounts you had an almost unnatural fear of their world. but bobby understood. Better than anyone. The commotion of you hauling ass upstairs brought the winchestors from the kitchen, looking around.

"what the hell happened?"

asked dean, both angels looked stunned as they replayed the events of the last few minutes. sam sighed, shaking his head. dean patted castiel's shoulder.

"Its not your fault really. She didnt know about the mind reading, it just brought up some...painful shit most likely. She has..."

 he sighed, taking a large swig of beer and shaking his head as sam went to see if balthazar had opened his stitches.

 "..alot of baggage. She's scared of everything out of the ordinary."

 he finished, turning to walk back to the kitchen

 "cant say i blame her really"

 he muttered, Castiel cast one more curious glance towards the stairway and followed dean out of the room. Sam gave the all clear, balthazar hadnt repoened anything, and went into the kitchen to get him some food. Balthazar sat silently on his couch, unable to get up, and stared after you. what could have happened to make you so scared? from his brief glimpse into your mind he found you witty and intelligent. and you obviously understood french, which he loved. he didnt often get a chance to converse in his native tongue. but that last bit...he sighed, closing his eyes softly

 

"Poor dove"

 

  **10 minutes later**

 

bobby had been shocked to see you rush into the room where he was rummaging through his supplies, tears streaming and body trembling. You hugged him desperately and he dropped what he had been holding you at the impact.

"hey hey, whats all this youngin?"

he patted your back gently while you were racked with hysterical sobs. eventually he managed to coax you over to the day bed and you sat down, hugging your knees like your life depended on it. He asked again what had happened, and all you could choke out was

 "H-He Heard me b-bobby. I...I didnt..."

 you were overcome with a second round of sobs and bobby grimaced. damn. he had known about the angel's ability, and how you would react. but there had be no time to warn them to keep their traps shut. too late now damnit he thought.

 "Im sorry hun, we should have warned yeh"

 he felt guilty at exposing you to this, and wished that he hadnt needed your talents so badly. he was torn between protecting you and possibly getting an edge over the enemy. If the winchestors were like his sons, you were like a daughter. All of you together, bound by tragedy. He knew you were strong enough to beat your fears, but didnt know how to help you realise it yourself.

 "If..."

 he sighed, continuing reluctantly as you buried your face in your arms

 "if you need to go, ill understand"

 he didnt want to let you go off alone, and they desperately needed the intel. but he couldnt cause you anymore pain. he again tried to reassure you, rubbing your pack in a comforting way.

 

"but i swear to yeh, Feathers and his friend would never hurt yeh."

 

he promised. you reached out to squeeze his hand gently, it meant alot to know he would sacrifice the information to spare your feelings. How could you abandoned him after that? After everything he had done for you? he was as close to a dad as you would ever have again. and more than anyone else...bobby could understand your agony.

 

"I...I'll do it. for you bobby."

 

in an uncharictaristically gentle gesture he pulled you into a hug, releasing you after a moment.

 

"you're strong. You can do this. I know it"

 

 

he stood, probably to go tell everyone the crazy person had calmed down.

 

"Maybe it'll be good for you"

 

he added slyly, you flashed him a weak smile, he seemed to have more faith in you than you did yourself.

 

"Just dont ever leave me alone with them again...okay?"

 

he sighed, but patted your head.

 

"alright, get some rest."

 

you nodded and when he left you gingerly lay down. eyes wide as you stared at the popcorn ceiling. heart finally slowing to a steady beat.

 

-thump thump-

 

-thump thump-

 

you tried to relax your body, focusing on the beating of your heart. your hand clenched around your talisman. it was a habit you had had for years.

 

every time the fear surfaced, you held it tightly. You were alive. Bobby would never let anything hurt you.

 

eventually you drifted into a restless slumber. the tears drying slowly on your weary face. everything would be okay as long as you didnt have to face them again

 

but since when does god ever give us what we want?

 

he does however...

 

Give us what we **need**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having a blast writing these. I think balthazar is an underappreciated character so if you have any suggestions or comments please share!


	3. Language of Love...Or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To help, or not to help, that is the question.
> 
> ((still trying to work on spacing and spellcheck. computer is stone age so please be patient and sorry if it effects your reading experience!))

Your eyes opened and you sat up, groggy.  
While you wouldnt call it peaceful, the nightmare had been kept at bay and that in and of itself was more than usual.  
You stretched, a day bed wasnt very roomy and you felt a little kinked.  
swinging your legs over the edge you paused to listen, was everyone else still sleeping?  
with the thought of other people you froze  
would the angels still be laying in wait for you?  
okay, maybe 'laying in wait' was a bit dramatic, but even though bobby insisted they were harmless...  
and they had not, necessarily, done anything against you...  
lets say you werent going to invite them to tea and cookies anytime soon.  
the house was mostly silent, but you heard gentle bumps and conversation downstairs and figured it was safe to venture forth.  
you didnt think, gauging by their entrance, that angels made much noise when they moved.  
gently you hit the floor, shuffling over to peer into the mirror by the door. only slightly ruffled.  
you smoothed your clothes and hair as best you could, and giving your pendant a quick squeeze for courage,  
you padded downstairs to another day.  
  
    Sam had made a supply run, dean had almost cleared out bobby's bacon stockpile and dean and bobby chatted idly in the kitchen, bobby sipping some irish coffee while dean had the mornings first Brew.  
You hit the bottom of the stairs, it was usually faster to get to the kitchen from the living room, but you knew balthazar probably hadnt moved due to his injuries, and the prospect of facing one of them so soon was nerve wracking. you elected, mostly due to chickening out, on the long way that led past the front door.  
a tiny part of you urged you to use the near escape route, but now that the panic of yesterday had calmed, the mysteries of the text you needed to translate loomed.   
even with all the angel drama, the chance to translate and learn new things was enticing.   
they didnt notice you at first as you stopped just outside the room, peeking your head in the doorway to scope out if any angels were prancing around.   
you were trying to find the courage bobby had been so sure of, but you were pretty firmly sure if one of the feathered lay-abouts popped in just then you would have had a severe panic attack.   
finally bobby noticed your keen eyed spying and chuckled   
"Your safe princess, Cas is on reconnaissance and the other one's still bleeding on my good couch."   
dean chuckled and rolled his eyes "I think 'good' ended about three decades ago bobby" he chided, taking a draw from his bottle.   
you sighed, these hunters drank like fish. well...if fish could live swimming in booze. you smiled shyly and entered the room, leaning awkwardly against the counter top.   
but then again, considering your complete shut in lifestyle, maybe there were worse ways to cope with their world.. maybe you didnt have much room to talk.   
lost in your thoughts you had missed the quick joking jabs that had preceded, coming in at.   
"...wish you would look as good as that couch at 50!"   
you giggled, and bobby smiled, dean looked almost offendingly shocked, you didnt find much to giggle about these last few years.   
it was a new sound to the pair. and, to be honest, to you too. when was the last time you laughed?   
dean saw the flicker of emotions and, hoping to avoid any triggers, smiled and snapped his fingers to get your attention, snapping you out of your, slightly depressing, revere. "Hungry?"   
he asks smiling and pointing to a pile of bacon. nothing else, just bacon. you looked between him and the heap of pork. your face inscrutable   
"how do you not have heart disease??"   
you sputtered finally, smiling to show it was a joke. mostly.   
dean thumped his chest and pointed to his beer   
"its a marathon to see what gives out first. my heart or my liver."   
bobby shook his head, chuckling and you rolled your eyes playfully. grabbing a piece of bacon you sponged off as much of the grease as you could and took a bite.  
It was good! you realized as you grabbed for a few more pieces, you hadnt eaten since getting to bobby's yesterday morning.   
no wonder the unhealthy staple tasted like heaven.   
and then you had the most vivid picture of pearly gates made completely out of greasy bacon. and taking a huge bite. tastes like heaven! (instead of the not nearly as funny 'tastes like chicken')  
and dean had to run over and thump you on the back because you choked on a piece of bacon trying to stifle a snort.   
Bobby eyed you, joyful but trying not to let you see and thus feel self conscious. He kept in touch as best he could over the last few years, even getting a few leads on a case from your sharp eyes. but you had never sounded so...happy. He had grown used to the flat monotone you had adopted after...his mind shied away from the memory.   
It was one of those cases that haunts you. when you get there in time, but just a little too late for a happy ending.   
He supposed it would be easier to bear knowing you were living life and happy. but so far that hadnt been the case. Maybe things were finally coming together for you.   
he had to hope being here was a sign that there was at least a chance.   
     

     after things calmed down you sighed, wiping your greasy hands on your shorts.   
"well back to business i guess"   
your eyes squinted over to the table, the book sat exactly where you had left it. bobby followed your gaze and grimaced.   
here was the real test. he glanced back at you but you didnt look fearful or apprehensive anymore, more like mildly interested.   
he hoped your academic enthusiasm would keep the more basic emotions at bay.   
You walked slowly, like you were approaching an animal that didnt know you gently you reached out to trace the cover.   
the thick paper almost felt like animal hide but there was no doubt it was enchanting, old and sturdy as it was. gently you sat down, trying to ignore a creeping of nerves.   
this was for bobby. think of it like research for a term paper. just theory. you   
opened the book and looked down at the scrawling text, waiting for the inevitable reshuffle that would bring its meaning to life.  
  
     the first page was basic introduction. what an angel is, their function. though you guessed from Castiel's descriptions things werent so cut and dry anymore.   
the book proceeded to sort through different levels and types of angels. seraphs, cherubs, and after a few dozen more came the reason you had been summoned, Arch angels. Some of the text was about the same as the version from the bible, while other parts seemed to be almost a narrative of the writers own experience.   
the two conflicting images painted a large picture. more than a little confusing.   
It seemed almost like heaven was a corporation. bosses and orders...corruption and scandal.   
it didnt meld with the vision you had been taught as a child, a peaceful kingdom in the clouds.   
but after everything you'd witnessed, it was easier to believe the cynical version. nothing is fluffy and nice through and through.   
it was almost comforting to know these celestial beings were no better than petty humans sometimes. a sort of sick satisfaction welling from the thought.   
You become deeply immersed and eventually forgot bobby and dean were even present.   
after a while it became evident you had no problems reading and they moved on to other things.   
sam came back an hour later and you were still reading, nose inches from the pages. Dean held a finger to his lips and sam put the bags down as quietly as possible.   
he stopped, suprised when he noticed something, your eyes.   
Normally they were pale green, but he could have sworn as you continued to translate the weird crawling text (which was all any of them had seen) that they had looked like the color of lightning. Brilliant blue-white. but he shook his head and let it go. trick of the light probably.   
  
   after a few hours bobby came in and decided maybe you needed a break, you whispered softly as you read, he assumed you were repeating what you read but it came out a whole other language. sounded like early native american.   
They had never quite figured out why or how you have your ability. but it was unique enough to know for certain it should remain a secret.   
Only himself, the boys and castiel knew. and they had all been sworn to silence.   
any one of the sides would love to get their hands on a person who could understand speak and translate anything.   
  
   he lay a hand gently on your shoulder, you jolted and looked up, suddenly shy.   
"have i been at it a while?"   
bobby chuckled and nodded. it wasnt that unusual for you to get lost for hours in a book.   
"thought your body might be as hungry as your brain"   
your stomach growled loudly in agreement and you both laughed aloud.   
sam walked in and you gave a soft half smile in welcome, standing and groaning instantly as your muscles protested. it HAD been a while.   
working together you and sam made sandwiches for everyone and it was almost nice, peaceful. NORMAL.   
  
     after a while bobby asked about what you had read, and your eyes lit up with excitement, eager to share.   
"well alot of it so far is just basic information. angels in general and a little about each type."   
you begin and they nodded, that wasnt exactly what they needed but good for background.   
"but then it goes between classic biblical point of view to almost first person. like jane goodall comparing previous theories to actual observation on chimps..."   
a rustling sound. you stopped mid sentence as a voice floated from the other room   
  
"I dont know quite how much i like being compared to a primate"   
balthazar complained loudly, obviously having been listening.   
  
You froze, and the men froze around you, not sure how you would react.   
-gulp-  
brave. brave for bobby. angels are not scary. okay angels were alot scary very powerful ageless...things.   
you took a deep breath and counted to 5, bobby threw you an encouraging look when you didnt freak out right away.   
maybe if you applied the same logic you had when reading. its all theory. what if you thought of them not as powerful beings...but just people?   
your breathing calmed, you had always been good at imagining. okay, deluding yourself. just imagine he's the same as bobby and the winchesters...   
You gave a fleeting glance to bobby, he smiled warmly, obviously proud at how hard you were trying. and inched towards the door between the kitchen and living room.   
looking just like a fearful child as you peeked out a fraction.   
  
   Balthazar lay where he had yesterday, his head turned to look towards the kitchen.   
he seemed suprised at your proximity, and gave you a tentative smile. obviously unsure what would make you fearful or not.   
your eyes squinted as you looked. if you blocked out your own knowledge it wasnt too hard to see him as a regular seriously wounded man.   
you cleared your throat, licking your lips nervously as you gave your necklace a squeeze, looking back at the three men for assurance.   
Dean looked ready for your next episode, while sam and bobby nodded encouragingly.   
you took a deep breath and slipt out further, eyes still narrowed in an attempt to keep your imperfect vision.   
You scooted until you were halfway in the room,   
You tried to speak but nothing came out, you cleared your throat nervously a second time,   
glancing back up at the...no no...at HIM. yes much more normal.   
he seemed surprised at the change in your demeanor and tried to sit up, but a hiss of pain stopped him in his tracks.   
you instictively took a step forward, hand reaching out as if to help. but you froze, and your arm dropped again.   
a series of complicated emotions flitting across your features. when he finally looked back up you had arranged your features into a careful nonchalance.   
"A...Are you...-gulp- are you o-okay?"   
you choked out nervously. sam and bobby exchanged a triumphant smile around the corner. It was a huge step for you and, although unsure where it would lead, they hoped somewhere good. even dean was shocked, he had given you up for a lost cause, like martin. maybe he had underestimated you.   
  
The angel. damn. HE smiled softly, waiving a hand gently so as not to pull at his wound   
"Ive had worse."   
he replied airily, a more sincere smile replacing his unsure one. it wasnt scary, at least. that was a comfort.   
so far your delusion was working. but you were sweating bullets and wanted to escape. It was more akin to a self preservation instinct than actual fear of him.   
_what was his name?_   
  
"Balthazar"   
He replied automatically, then grimaced as he answered your unspoken thought.   
your body tensed and you took a step back automatically. dean winced, waiting for the inevitable.   
Your heart pounded and your instinct screamed at you to run.  
  
but he lurched forward excitably, not paying any attention to his wound.   
"I didnt mean...Agh!"   
you heard a squelching pop, and he cut off with a strangled yelp.   
sam moved to go check on you both from the other room but bobby grabbed his arm. he wanted to see this play out.   
  
You jumped as he keeled to the side, obviously in pain, and without thinking stumbled over to help him lay back down.   
Your hands, well more like your whole body, trembled. but you kept your eyes down and refused to look at him.   
you were pretty sure being a foot away and looking into his face would send you into another panic.   
he panted as he lay back down with your help. You closed your eyes, counting to 3 and opened them again, eyebrows knit in deep concentration.   
You may have been afraid, but he WAS hurt. your stomach turned as you saw a fresh splotch of blood spreading on his shirt.   
You took a shaky breath. blood was something that still made you very squeemish.   
but you pushed out the nightmares that threatened to crowd around you and focused.   
he had obviously been trying to apologize when he jumped up. He didnt SEEM bad, and you couldnt just let him sit there and bleed out.   
you lifted his shirt, almost hyperventilating with the strain of dealing with your two biggest weaknesses. Blood. and anything inhuman.   
You saw that he had popped a stitch just below his ribs. you bit your lip hard and looked around, the pile of supplies from yesterday was still at the foot of the couch and you reached over and grabbed the already threaded needle.   
  
     After meeting the winchestors, and a short stint in a psychiatric facility, you had gone back to school. but even though you were intensely protective of yourself, you were determined to get a grip on something in your life. taking emergency first aid, survival skills, the works.   
You were terrified of most things, but wasnt it worse to be terrified and helpless? _YES_   
  
Still not looking at his face you murmer softly   
"Y-You're okay but you p-popped a stitch."  
you feel badly, he was obviously in pain, which actually helped your self-delusions of pretending he wasnt...what he was.   
with much more strength than you felt you squeezed his fingers gently   
"im going to fix the stitch, but it'll hurt a little okay?"   
Balthazar's breath hissed out and you saw him nod silently out of the corner of your eye.   
his fingers squeezing against yours, strong but not enough to hurt.   
You found yourself blushing softly. you hadnt held hands with someone in a very long time, it wasnt bad. just..unfamiliar.   
you slipped your hand away, needing it to assist with the patch-up.   
you reached up to smooth the area and begin the quick work of treating him   
  
"Im sorry"   
you murmer over and over every time he winces or groans. as the needle threaded and pulled the skin back together.   
after a few minutes your hands draw back, blood stained between your fingers, and you tied off the medical thread.   
You were past trembling, into shaking. You were near the edge of your control. but you had helped, and it gave you a small warmth in your chest.   
Balthazar's breathing had eased and he looked up at you, woozy from the intense pain.   
"Thank you my dear. I owe you a debt."   
You turned a soft shade of pink, hands still held in front of you so as not to stain anything, and shook your head   
"Kind of my fault in the first place...dont mention it."   
you mutter, grabbing a cloth and swiping at the blood on your hands while standing and edging towards the door.   
you heard a chuckle, and you couldnt help but look up, he lay gingerly on his unwounded side, head resting on his hand   
  
" ~~ _Ne Jamais honte d'entendre ce que vous avez noblement fait_~~ "   
french again. you tilted your head the words were familiar in a distant way.   
"Never shame to hear what you have nobly done"  
you must have had a bemused expression because he chuckled again, which made your blush deepen.   
he had been quoting shakespeare again, this time twelfth night. who the hell was this guy?   
"W-well...I just..."   
his face had fallen like a little boys, it was almost charming. wait...what?   
  
" ~~ _Ne pouvons-nous pas parler francais? il serait un plaisir rare_~~ "   
you were suprised when he murmered poutingly again in french   
"cant we speak in french? It would be such a rare treat"   
you smiled despite yourself, almost forgetting to be nervous.   
outside of classes you rarely spoke anything but english, trying to keep a low profile.   
"I guess that would be okay"   
you murmered shyly, but it came out in french   
" ~~ _Je suppose que cela serait parfait_~~ "   
  
his answering smile was blinding, your heart skipped a beat. and for just a moment you didnt think of him as anything other than a weird, injured, confusing man.   
you wondered where it came from, as a feeling of calm and serenity trickled through you. it wasnt unpleasant so you didnt fight it.   
subconsciously you realised it may be some angel thing. but since it was better than the alternative...  
after a moment of indecision you turned an armchair to face him, and sat down gently. and after a few moments you both began to banter casually in french.   
occasionally an overenthusiastic gesture would make him grimace, and you would ask if he needed anything.   
a habit from when you were young, being overly helpful. You hadnt had a chance to practice since...in a long time.   
  
Bobby smiled, the boys already tip-toeing out the front door. bobby placed a note on the stove where you would see it, and followed them out.  
It wasnt a perfect plan...but he hoped you wouldnt be too upset when you noticed the note.   
  
after a few hours, wow if felt like only minutes, you walked into the kitchen to get some food.   
you didnt know if balthazar ate but figured it would be rude not to offer.   
you were suprised when you saw a note propped on top of the stove and no sign of anyone else.   
now that you think of it, you hadnt heard a peep in quite a while, but you had been too caught up in the conversation to think about it.   
  
**_we caught a lead_**  
 ** _be back tomorrow_**  
 ** _keep an eye on him_ **  
  
you gulped, while you had become almost comfortable over the last few hours with Balthazar.   
playing doctor for a whole day...the old nerves came back but not quite as potent as usual.   
you looked back down and you could've cried in bobby's chicken scratch writing at the very bottom read   
  
**_I knew you could do it_ **  
  
you sniffled, hugging the note to your chest, you just had to trust that, this time, maybe things would work out okay.   
tucking the note into your pocket, you busied yourself making sandwiches   
Maybe you didnt have to keep waiting for the next tragedy. because it wasnt coming.   
you wondered where this sudden sense of calm came from. it had settled in your chest from the moment you had helped repair Balthazars wound.   
you made a mental note to ask balthazar later.  
maybe it was just excitement at the easing of the never ending fear. you rationalize.   
you called out to balthazar in the other room   
" ~~ _preferez-vous le poulet ou le dindon_~~ "   
you had cutlets of chicken and turkey so figured you'd ask his preference   
he answered cheerfully from the other room   
" ~~ _suprise pour mi, peu di dove_~~ "   
you smiled softly to yourself and used both, blushing at his new nickname   
"suprise me, little dove"   
he had said and you shook your head shyly. he was not the only one you had suprised.   
but at least this time, it was a pleasant turn of events.   
you strolled into the room, handing him the sandwhich and sat with your own   
he murmered his gratitude and took a bite and began praising you loudly, more so than your little sandwhich probably deserved.   
you giggled softly and you spent the next few hours deep in conversation   
always in french... it was nice,   
he quoted plays you enjoyed and seemed very...worldly.   
you tried to watch your thoughts,   
it seemed that he could only delve into your mind when he concentrated   
but you didnt want him catching any errant thoughts and causing you to be embaressed   
for an angel...he wasnt so bad.   
You would almost consider him a kindred spirit.   
and, if you were really honest with yourself,   
You loved it when he called you   
" _Little Dove_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think im going to start the fluff next chapter? any cute ideas?


	4. In too deep, Soul bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel sets off a chain reaction of bad memories, can Balthazar save you before the pain kills you?  
> and what new complications arise if he succeeds?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im still molding this story so i will be editing here and there as i continue, sorry it took so long to update! im a perfectionist lol  
> any critiques or suggestions are welcome!

The rest of the night went relatively smoothly. Balthazar couldn’t get up so you helped him to shift his position every now and again so he didn’t get stiff; right now he was sitting up, leaning against the arm of the couch leisurely.  
You didn’t sit with him on the couch; you thought it would take more time before you were brave enough to be that close for longer than the few minutes to help him you had taken thus far.  
  You switched back and forth between English and French throughout the evening, the conversation casual and light. Often one of you quoting a book or play you both liked. You were surprised how much you had in common with Balthazar despite the difference of species.  
It was odd, but ever since you had closed Balthazar’s wound, you had this strange warmth, it bubbled up when you talked or joked together. It was a soothing warmth where for so long there had been an throbbing emptiness. You couldn’t define it, but knew it had something to do with the injured French angel.  
You found yourself tidying up while you talked, picking up some abandoned dishes, or wiping down the grungy furniture. Bobby was many amazing things, but he and the boys were almost crippled in the housekeeping department.  
Balthazar finally couldn’t take it and asked  
“Why are you picking up after those heathens? I don’t think that is what they brought you here for.”  
You stuck your tongue out at him, the childish response made you blush, it had been an old habit you hadn’t acted on in a long time.  
“They didn’t bring me to play nurse either, I’m just a multitasker.”  
you throw back and he jokingly covers his heart and cringes as if your words hurt him.  
you consider continuing for a moment and finally murmur shyly  
“I spend a lot of time at home, so I passed the time cleaning and organizing. You could say ive developed a little OCD as a result.”  
you didn’t want him to think you were a loser, but you wanted him to understand the compulsion behind your busy work.  
you could tell he wanted to ask more, but probably didn’t want to offend you when you had both been getting along so well. You felt grateful for his consideration. You doubted you would ever be friendly enough to want to talk about your past with the flirty angel.  
Balthazar suddenly looked behind you towards the dining room and a moment later you felt a familiar rush of air. The hair on the back of your neck stood up; apparently castiel was done with his reconnaissance. You slowly turn and see the trench coat-clad angel walk purposefully into the room.  
he looked your way and paused, unsure if he could come closer without upsetting you.  
your hands shook a little, you wondered why you still felt wary of Castiel, after all you and Balthazar could almost be considered acquaintances at this point. He didn’t scare you anymore. Maybe it was because he was injured and therefore not an immediate threat. Or it could be the personalities, Castiel screamed Soldier. He was serious and purpose driven. Balthazar was laid back and casual. Maybe it was more feeling intimidated than scared, yeah that sounded right.  
In an effort to continue your progress you nodded shyly and took a step closer to Balthazar so he could come in but you still had a comfortable distance.  
“H-Hello.”  
you greeted him softly, he seemed surprised but rewarded your attempt with a respectful nod  
“good evening.”  
he replied gravely, then turned to look at Balthazar, who was looking at you warmly. Obviously he was as happy with your progress as bobby. You flashed a bashful half smile in reply and he winked, turning to look at castiel. You were glad he turned because you had turned a delicate pink, he was definitely charming; which didn’t help your nerves sometimes.  
  
“It seems Raphael has consolidated his forces for the time being, we are safe.”  
Castiel reported, adding  
“…for now.”  
Balthazar nodded, looking slightly more serious  
“Alright then, time to get to work.”  
Castiel nodded and Balthazar winced as he tried to stand up. You bolted over, your face stern as you pushed him back onto the couch gently  
“Oh no you don’t! Do you want me to have to stitch you up again?”  
Balthazar sighed and rolled his eyes  
“I know my dear, but we have work to do.”  
You shook your head firmly, hand still against his shoulder keeping him down.  
“Look he said this guy has retreated for now right? Give yourself a few days THEN you can go off on your little holy mission.”  
In all honesty Balthazar was quite enjoying this new side of you, and you were making some sense. But the sense of urgency to get moving was almost overwhelming.  
Behind you, castiel was shocked as you both bickered back and forth. When he had left you were in hysterics being anywhere near them. Now suddenly here you were scolding Balthazar and even touching him. What had happened in his absence? Suddenly you turned to him and your face was set in a stubborn mask.  
“Castiel, can it wait a few days?”  
he grimaced, there was no time to waste, but it was true Balthazar was badly wounded and needed time to heal.  
You weren’t sure what to do, it was obvious from the angel’s demeanor they had serious work afoot. But you couldn’t quiet the feeling in your chest that demanded you to refuse. Balthazar could die if he didn’t heal, that was the only danger you could focus on at the moment. It confused you, you were a whirlwind of emotions on a good day, but you had good instincts and often followed your gut. But this was more than that, not a gut reaction, but more like a buzzing alarm in your chest. Protect. Nurture. _Save him. even if that meant saving him from himself._  
“Are you trying to get yourself killed?!”  
Balthazar rolled his eyes again, feeling you were being a little dramatic, and castiel stepped forward claiming your attention  
“It is a risk, but if we don’t find a weapon against Raphael; death will be the least of our problems. “  
Bobby had given him strict instructions to avoid talking about anything regarding the war or the apocalypse in your presence but you needed to understand what was at stake.  
“Raphael will bring the apocalypse and it will be hell on earth. Unless we stop him.”

You flinched, an old habit  
“H-Hell…on earth?”  
castiel nodded, you felt a tremor coming but forced it down. Trying to be strong  
he didn’t notice your internal struggle and continued  
“every demon and revenant of hell unleashed on mankind.”  
The nightmare took you by surprise, there was no warning, it slammed down on you like a hammer.  
Blood and death, it was like a punch to the stomach and you lost all your air. Hell on earth. What you went through… times a thousand. Times ten thousand. In the span of a heartbeat you crumbled to the ground without warning in a dead faint.  
Balthazar shouted your name in alarm but you were past hearing, you twitched like you were having a seizure. Castiel flinched back, it reminded him of Sam when he had removed the wall in his mind. In an instant he was at your side, Balthazar still couldn’t move but his fear for you bade him to keep shifting to try, calling out to you.  
“Castiel what happened, what’s wrong with her?!”  
Castiel shook his head, propping you up gently, you shook and twitched, your face blanched it looked like you were in the grips of a horrible nightmare. _Just like Sam_ thought the angel. He had done it again. Hurt someone to get what he needed. He reached in to your mind, trying to figure out what was happening and what he could do to repair the damage. Balthazar felt Castiel’s grace reach out to you, in much the same way they read minds, going _into_ the mind just required more concentration and more energy. Following suite, Balthazar energized Castiel’s grace with his own, though it was weak from his injury. And after a moment the angels felt it as your nightmare came to life around them.  
  
  
**_they saw you in front of a house, you were younger by a few years.  
you hummed softly and stuck your key in to open the door  
“Mom Im home!”  
you called, sniffing the air appreciatively as you moved into the room and shut the door.  
the smell of lamb wafted through the memory  
you turned to walk towards the kitchen and stopped.  
when you had moved you felt moisture on your sneakers, looking down you saw water puddle around your feet, following the trail the liquid seemed to darken as it came from under the door that led to the kitchen. Walking forward slowly, a bad feeling in your gut, you called out again to your mother. No answer.  
you paused for a moment, fear and apprehension all over your face, and then you gently pushed open the kitchen door.  
She was there, in her favorite sundress she wore when she cooked, the one with long sleeves so she could do the bacon without burning herself.  
her dark hair was matted against her face, blood seeping from a cut to her forehead and fear pinching her laugh lines so she looked almost like a skeleton.  
she saw you and her eyes flew wide, her screams of warning useless with the tape over her mouth. Unable to gesture with her hands tied behind her she tried in vain to free herself.  
  “MOM?!”  
you yelled in shock and fear, rushing to her without a thought. Tears streamed down her face; diluting some of the blood as she shook her head wildly. You reached her and tore the tape from her mouth, reaching to free her.  
“Run baby run!”  
she shrieked, her eyes not on you, but behind you. You whirled_** _and saw someone gently closing the door you had just come through, and deftly clicking the lock down. **His smile was all wrong, twisted and evil. He turned and faced you both, you standing protectively in front as your mother struggled behind you, crying and urging you to flee.**_  
 ** _he stroked the kitchen knife, your mother’s blood spattered across his shirt, and he ran his thumb along the blade almost lovingly, humming._**  
 ** _he glanced over at you and smiled, but it looked so much more like a snarl._**  
 ** _“D…Dad?”_**  
 ** _you ask, shock freezing your body. What was going on? Your dad was the gentlest kindest person you knew. You had only ever seen him mad twice in your whole life. Why did he look…so feral, so terrifying? Why would he do this to your mother?_**  
 ** _he chuckled softly as you called to him, closing his eyes softly and breathing in deeply._**  
 ** _“Ah, so nice of you to join us. But no…”_**  
 ** _he opened his eyes and he smiled that evil smile. It was like he was baring his teeth threateningly. You flinched away and he seemed to enjoy your reaction as he continued_**  
 ** _“…daddy’s not home right now. But he gets to watch as I rip into mommy…and then cut you into little pieces. The question is… who gets to go first?”_**  
 ** _you balked, the deadly promise and the obvious excitement at the tortures he had planned made your stomach heave. This couldn’t be real. You stepped forward on shaking legs, reaching your hands up in a nonthreatening way, even though your mother screamed at you to run, and swore revenge if he laid a finger on you._**  
 **** _“Dad this isn’t y-you, you would n-never do this. P-put the knife down dad”_

**_You tried to reason with him, stepping closer even though every fiber of you wanted to flee. He chuckled darkly and in an instant he moved from being a few feet away, to right in front of you. Before you could scream or run he lashed out a hand, he struck you in the chest and it was like he had shot you. You felt the explosive pain as your ribs fractured and you flew across the room, slamming into the cabinets across the room. Your head stung as you slid to the ground, glass and splinters of wood raining around you and some stuck in your flesh._**  
 ** _Your vision blurred and you felt the sticky sensation as blood flowed from the back of your head. You saw the man, you refused to think of him as your father, walk up to your mother and backhand her, she yelped and he grabbed her by the hair, slapping the tape back on. She tried to turn to see if you were okay, but he yanked her hair again viciously._**  
 ** _you tried to get up, and sobbed painfully as your broken ribs protested. He turned to you and smiled_**  
 ** _“ooh, how ya feeling sport?”_**  
 ** _you cringed as he used your childhood nickname. He strolled over to you calmly, crouching down to look into your face, eyeing his handy work proudly._**  
 ** _tears of pain streamed down your face_**  
 ** _“Please…dad..”_**  
 ** _he sighed, rolling his eyes,_**  
 ** _“How many times do I have to tell you…”_**  
 ** _he blinked and you let out a shriek._**  
 ** _his eyes were suddenly jet black, you tried to scramble back in terror and he reached down, hand caressing your shin gently._**  
 ** _“Im not your dad”_**  
 ** _then his grip tightened. You screamed in agony, he squeezed tighter and tighter and then you let out a piercing shriek as the bone gave way with a sickening snap._**  
 ** _he smirked, satisfied and left you sobbing on the ground as he moved back to your mother._**  
 ** _“cant have you going anywhere sport, wouldn’t want you to miss the fun.”_**  
 ** _He lifted the knife, turning to admire it in the light, and advanced on her with a gleam in his eyes_**  
  


Balthazar and castiel cringed back, letting the connection break. They looked at each other, castiel grimaced and Balthazar’s face was a mask of horror. No wonder you had been so frightened of them.  
Castiel looked back down at you, you whimpered and shook. It seemed like your waking mind couldn’t handle the memories so your brain rendered you unconscious to protect it. So, he hoped, you would awaken if he could find a way to get through to you.  
Suddenly you let out a piercing shriek and they both jumped. You slumped back onto the floor and they exchanged a worried glance, they didn’t know you well enough to know how to comfort you. Castiel lay you back down on the floor. Turning to Balthazar his brow was furrowed  
“we need to get dean and sam. They will know how to help her.”  
Balthazar nodded and motioned to you  
“get her up here ill make sure she doesn’t hurt herself”  
castiel reached down and lay you on the couch next to Balthazar, who grimaced but managed to pull you up so your head rested against his chest. You twitched and moaned  
“Hurry Castiel”  
in a breath castiel was gone and Balthazar was panicked. It wasn’t often the angel felt helpless; he didn’t know what to do to help.  
“Come on little dove...”  
he murmured pleadingly, hoping somehow you could hear him. He didn’t quite understand the desperation in his gut. In the last day he had seen so many different sides to you. The fearful little girl, the witty bookworm, the overbearing caretaker; you were fascinating. He had wondered what caused the little flinching and the sad looks you had when you thought he wasn’t looking, or when you seemed to be thinking about something unpleasant.  
but never did he think you had lived through something so painful, and he had a suspicion he hadn’t seen the worse parts. He felt this odd ripple inside, like you had some gravitational force that pulled him to you. He felt the need to protect you…to save you somehow. He was a very confident angel, and feeling helpless was not to his taste.  
he reached his grace out to you, but instead of searching, he tried soothing. His wings blossomed behind him in response as his grace came in contact with your soul.  
 They were a deep smoky grey, and instinctively they wrapped inward to cradle you and hide you from the world.  
your soul cringed away as he reached out, trying to stroke and sooth you. He wasn’t deterred and kept trying, slowly you let him in. at first it was like you tolerated his nearness, your soul quivering as badly as your body. He could feel the invisible scars of the past, like bruises on the bright light that was you.  
he didnt want to go into your mind again, instead he tried to pull you back. Nudging and soothing as much as he could. He wrapped around you, trying to break the nightmares hold, his fingers stroked your cheek and they were wet with silent tears.  
he was growing desperate, you had calmed but were still unconscious and in that instant castiel reappeared, bobby, and Sam popping in around him. dean had stayed behind to gather their things and get the car.  
  Castiel’s eyes widened at the sight of Balthazar’s wings curled protectively around you. It was a very intimate thing, angels wings were usually only visible when they willed them to be, or, when they were in contact with a human soul. It shouldn’t have even been possible in Balthazar’s weakened condition.  
  Bobby rushed forward, after a moment’s hesitation Balthazar’s wings folded back, allowing bobby to kneel down and examine you. He called to you softly, breathing hard.  
when castiel had suddenly appeared at their table he knew something was terribly wrong. The angel was flustered and worried. He had an inkling the guilt written on Castiel’s face meant he had been the one to set you off.  
He grimaced, he had seen you like this before. Immediately after the attack you had been a mess. After a week in the hospital you had been transferred to a psych clinic. The doctors at the hospital didn’t know what else to do, You would scream if anyone came near you, ripping out IVs and trying to escape even though you had a broken leg and 4 broken ribs; Among many cuts and lacerations. When you refused to eat or drink the doctors talked about shock therapy. And then one day, you just collapsed. The doctors called it a defense mechanism. A way for the body to process subconsciously what it couldn’t handle while conscious.  
Bobby would never forget your horrified screams as you lay unconscious in the small room at the clinic.  
It had taken so long for you to even function after the attack. Even longer to progress enough to get out of that hellhole. And now you were back to the beginning, and it was his fault.  
  
Bobby reached down to yank the necklace from under your shirt, grabbing your limp hand he pressed the amulet to your palm and closed your fingers around it, leaning to whisper in your ear  
“Its me sweet heart, its bobby. Wake up”  
there was no change and he cursed softly, trying to stay calm. This amulet had been a key part of your recovery, an anti-possession charm. You had said once it had given you a way to take control of your life again.  
“You’re safe darlin, no demons or monsters can get you here. You feel that?”  
he squeezed your fingers around the amulet, did your fingers flex a little?  
“You remember when dean gave you this? No demon can get in you as long as you wear it. Wake up honey, its just a nightmare.”  
your breathing did slow visibly, but there was no response. Bobby cursed again and looked up to Balthazar.  
“what the hell happened?!”  
Bobby gut was in turmoil he remembered a conversation with the doctors when you had finally awoken  
  
**_“she has had a severe psychological trauma. Her mind has developed defense mechanisms to cope. She must not be upset in any way while her mind heals from the shock. No news programs, tragedies, nothing that could possibly be a trigger.”_**  
 ** _bobby looked through the one way mirror, you were timid as you talked to the female psychologist on staff. Eyes flitting everywhere fearfully_**  
 ** _“why, what could happen?”_**  
 ** _the doctors face said everything_**  
 **** _“if she were to suffer a second mental regression…she may not recover. It puts too much strain on her brain and heart. She could have a stroke. ”_

****

  
Balthazar and castiel took in turns to recap as quickly as possible; when they reached the part where castiel had intervened Sam had to grab bobby to keep him from swinging at the angel  
“Are you out of your damn mind?! I told you! I told you to leave her out of it!”  
Castiel bowed his head, regret obvious on his face; he almost hoped bobby would hit him. Sam finally got bobby to calm and the older man stomped off to the kitchen while sam turned to Balthazar  
“the last time this happened she was constantly screaming or crying out. Why is she so calm?”  
Balthazar seemed almost bashful as he tried to consider how to explain

“I used my grace to soothe her; it seems to be working so far.”  
he muttered, Sam looked thoughtful as bobby could be heard slamming cupboards. You whimpered softly at the noise and Balthazar’s wings automatically curled around you again. And without thinking, he leaned down to kiss your forehead gently, making soothing shushing noises. He could feel your soul almost lean against his grace, taking comfort and blanketing itself against the dark scars.  
Castiel was unable to look away, Balthazar was reacting as if you were…but that was not possible. However he couldn’t think of an explanation for the way he was acting. The wings, his protective stance, even the way his grace wrapped around your soul, guarding it. It was the way an angel would act towards his mate.  
  Sam raised an eyebrow at Balthazar’s familiar treatment towards you, what exactly had happened while they were gone?

 Balthazar’s face lit up suddenly, why hadn’t he thought of it before? Leaning down he whispered in your ear softly in French.  
“Now, God be praised, that to believing souls gives light in darkness, comfort in despair.”  
Your fingers twitched noticeably around the charm, Balthazar smiled widely, Sam called bobby and he came quickly, looking around in alarm. Balthazar couldn’t believe he had been so silly, you used books to escape, **they** were you greatest comfort.  
sam nodded enthusiastically  
“Whatever you did try again!”  
bobby focused on Balthazar, surprised as he saw his shadowy wings curled tightly around you, lips brushing your ear as he leaned over you again. When did you two get so familiar?  
“courage and comfort, all shall yet go well”  
he whispered again in French, the line you had whispered to yourself when he had first noticed you.  
 the men froze when your hand released the amulet to gently grasp onto his shirt, your eyes scrunched like you were trying to wake from a deep sleep.  
Balthazar’s wings moved to cocoon you from sight, the men were confused but too excited by the progress to protest. Only castiel knew the significance, and he grimaced.  
Balthazar lay his forehead gently against yours, a white light seemed to kindle in his chest, slowly growing brighter.  
“You are the eternal France, I love you.”  
he murmured softly, and pressed his lips to yours. The light exploded out, the men turned and covered their eyes, the light blinding and white hot, Castiel stared into the light, a part of him happy for his friend, another worried about the consequences. Balthazar had, in the angel’s way, chosen you. It is when an angel finds their soul mate, their grace reacts at a molecular level. Creating a sort of pull to each other; It was unheard of for an angel to react to a human soul this way, even stranger still, your soul was reacting in return.  
  when the light slowly faded bobby shouted for you, rushing forward as Balthazar’s wings folded and disappeared. Sam’s jaw dropped  
there you sat, eyes wide, looking into Balthazar’s eyes questioningly as you sat in his lap. You seemed confused, but not terrified or in pain like sam had expected. Balthazar could only be described as smug, but his eyes were gentle as he gazed at you. The look in his eyes made sam shift uncomfortably. It was a little on the possessive side.  
Bobby knelt down and you turned, almost reluctantly, away from Balthazar’s deep gaze to look at him. The poor man looked like he was seconds away from a heart attack  
“Are you alright? You sure gave us a scare.”  
it took you a moment to find your voice, your body felt foreign, like everything you saw or felt was super charged. It was strange, the warmth you had felt in your chest felt like it had multiplied to fill you up and spilled out to lay against your skin.  
“I…Im okay Bobby”  
you assure him, and were surprised to find it was true. The gentle comfort seemed to radiate around you, and you found for the first time in 3 years…you didn’t feel afraid. All the fears and pain felt like it belonged to someone else, like reading about It in a book.  
Bobby pulled you into a tight hug, Balthazar seemed to dislike having his arms removed but didn’t say anything, castiel couldn’t help but step forward, relief that everyone was safe mingling with the feeling that this could not end well.  
Balthazar looked to his old friend and smiled happily, castiel moved to murmur in his ear while sam and bobby surrounded you, making sure you were okay. You kept peeking over at Balthazar as he did the same towards you  
“This is a dangerous game Balthazar. She is human.”  
Castiel started, and Balthazar tore his gaze from you to narrow his eyes  
“I am not playing any game castiel, I did not expect it…but she is my âme soeur, my soul mate.”  
his smile at the thought was almost sickeningly joyful. The playboy angel had been brought to his knees by a lonely girl who hid in books and spoke in poetry.  
“She may not even understand what has happened Balthazar, they are different in their ways.”  
Castiel warned, afraid his friend was jumping the gun but Balthazar turned excitedly towards the somber angel  
“You saw it castiel, her soul answered. I can feel it, we are bound.”  
castiel thought of something and motioned to Balthazar’s bloody shirt  
“show me your wound”  
Balthazar looked puzzled and lifted his shirt slightly, then lifted it higher in shock. His wound was gone, as if he had never been injured. You noticed and gasped; sam and bobby turned and were equally surprised.  
castiel pursed his lips. Touching your soul would have been able to reenergize him, but this was more than that. Castiel could feel the light radiating from Balthazar, somehow you had amplified his powers enough for him to heal completely.  
“well I’ll be damned..”  
Muttered bobby nervously; unsure what to make of all the craziness. You inched forward to stand in front of Balthazar, your head tilted and your lips curved softly  
“I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks”  
you murmur softly, and blush when he reaches to take your hand and kisses it softly.  
“though she be but little, she is fierce”You felt like you had known him a hundred years; you remembered how you had hated the play Romeo and Juliet. How can you love someone after one day? How can you love someone you knew barely anything about?  
you still didn’t know how, only that you had an inexplicable urge to wrap your arms around him and bury your face in his chest, he stood and you realized just how tall he was. It felt like…like gravity. Like you would be okay as long as he was near you. The warmth that had grown inside you and protected you from the carnivorous nightmare seemed to flow from him like a blanket. You both just looked at each other for a long moment, unsure where all these conflicting feelings came from until bobby cleared his throat. You blushed and looked away. Bobby didn’t like this newest development, but at least you were okay.  
“Shall we get  down to business?”  
Balthazar suggested cheerfully, taking your hand and leading your party into the kitchen.  
  
20 minutes later dean came in the door, expecting chaos only to stop dead as he rushed into the kitchen.  
There you sat, perfectly fine, reading from the text while Balthazar sat staring at you, running his fingers through your hair. Wait…what?  
Bobby walked up; face sympathetic as he shoved a beer at dean, his face darkened as he noticed Balthazar’s fingers touching your hair. He defiantly didn’t like the sudden intense closeness you two had going. It was just…unnatural. And the strangest part was you, you were completely at ease. No skittishness or stammering. What had that feathered miscreant done to make you so calm?  
“You missed some interesting developments boy.”  
bobby answer dean’s silent question, dean shook his head and took a deep drink. He had hauled ass back and he was exhausted.  
“apparently. She’s back in business?”  
he said softly, bobby shrugged and nodded  
“Looks like it.”  
For good or bad, you seemed to be at peace. And bobby would deal with whatever came next, just because he didn’t like how it happened, it was a great relief to see you smile.


	5. The Big Reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally figure out what these strange feelings you have had since waking up are, and bobby figures out that your power may not be as innocent as he once thought.

It was late in the night now. You had continued reading the text religiously, trying to find something about a weapon or anything that could help them take on this Raphael character. Castiel pulled Balthazar aside; or rather tried to, it was clear to everyone that something had changed between you and the angel because he wouldn’t move more than a few feet away from you. Castiel tried to make him understand it was imperative to search out the weapons stash as soon as possible, especially seeing as he was completely healed, but Balthazar kept brushing his whispered insistences off.  
“It can wait until she sleeps castiel, be patient”  
It frustrated Castiel but he did understand Balthazar’s reluctance to part with you. The bonding process is very powerful, it gradually lessens so the need for closeness doesn’t feel so overwhelming, but seeing as it had been only hours, it would be hard to separate for any length of time when the bond is so strong and fresh. Angels usually take a week, at least, together before separating, but in these times exceptions had to be made.   
   You were ignorant to their whispered arguments; you were absorbed in the text. Your voice was barely audible as you murmured softly as you read, sometimes it sounded like Greek, other times like German, even Latin. Bobby stayed rigidly in the kitchen, eyeing you both in a disgruntled fashion. He was begrudgingly grateful for whatever balthazar had done to heal you, but the way Balthazar hovered near you and you seemed suddenly completely at ease…it irked him.   
    Dean had pulled Cas aside to ask him what had happened, he had looked extremely uncomfortable, not a good sign. The only answer they got was  
“It is nothing to fear at the present time. Balthazar will keep her pain at bay for now.”  
He would not elaborate and disappeared after failing once again to convince Balthazar to accompany him, most likely to check on his followers in heaven. The obvious discomfort in the angel’s expression said he knew more than he let on, but they just had to hope it wasn’t anything that would do you harm in the long run. He had to admit you looked…content. How you must have looked often before the demon attack, but they hadn’t known you back then, so it was new to see you without fear or pain.  
  
Bobby cleared his throat to get your attention, it was late and he figured you would forget food altogether if he didn’t remind you. You looked up and a tingle of surprise lit his features; your eyes were not the usual pale green, but a brilliant blue-white. Like lightening danced in your eyes. You blinked and they were pale green again, though you looked concerned at bobby’s shocked expression  
“what is it bobby?”  
Bobby cleared his throat and smiled, it looked a little forced, no need to rattle you after the day you had. He’d ask Castiel about it later.   
“Are you planning to eat at some point or just learn to survive on knowledge alone?”   
he answered, teasing you, you smiled bashfully and turned to mark your page.  
“I suppose I should take a break, I am famished.”  
You answered, reflexively looking at Balthazar beside you. He smiled and brushed your cheek lightly with his palm and was rewarded with a light blush on your part. It was odd, the thought of him touching you or being this close yesterday would have terrified you; but it was nice. More than nice; it felt natural. Like he had always been a part of your life and always would be. You couldn’t bring yourself to fuss or question it, because it was so wonderful to feel at peace. You had lived your life over the last three years feeling like there was a jagged hole punched through you, fear was always a rankling pain in your chest, nightmares haunted you even when you were awake. Balthazar was like the sun, chasing away the shadows of the past and allowing you to see the sky. It was blinding and beautiful, like how you imagined life would be in a play, one of the happy ones, not the Shakespearean tragedies you had been trapped in for so long.   
“What would you like to eat, Little Dove? I will make whatever you desire.”  
Balthazar murmured softly in French, you dipped your head and smiled shyly  
“I can just make a sandwich its okay.”  
you answered and he sighed dramatically  
“Would you deny me the treat of caring for you as you have for me?”  
You smiled but gave him an exasperated look  
“It was one day and a popped stitch not exactly worthy of eternal gratitude.”  
his expression was soft and his eyes were intense, it stole your breath for a moment when he answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world  
“I would show you my gratitude and more for far longer than eternity”  
Your hand reached up to cover your face, hiding your red cheeks, did guys really say such things outside movies and books?  Maybe it was an angel thing to speak so frankly, but you had a feeling that was just Balthazar. You both were so into your conversation, all in French mind you, you all but forgot bobby was still in the room and could understand none of it, until he cleared his throat again.  
You jumped, ashamed to have been so rude to him in his own house. You looked over apologetically and stood up to walk over, you felt Balthazar stand to follow but you resisted the urge to look and walked over to bobby.  
“Sorry bobby, yes I’m starving.”  
You murmured and he smiled gently at you, obviously he hadn’t taken too much offense, but he glared over your head at Balthazar a second later and you grimaced. Obviously the newfound bond you felt with him had not escaped bobby’s notice, and he didn’t seem too happy with your angel, You gave a start at your own thoughts, since when had he become…YOUR angel?  
But you couldn’t deny how right the description felt, like a purr of satisfaction rumbled deep inside to think he was your own. Just because it felt right didn’t make it true. You turned to glance at said angel and turned a whole new shade of red when you saw the brilliant smile he wore looking at you,   
“More than you could imagine, and I am quite sure it is permanent”  
Unsure how to process what he said, and half thinking you must have just had a stroke, you looked to bobby  
“How about I make dinner for everyone? Maybe something fun like…breakfast for dinner?”  
Bobby looked between you and Balthazar, having heard the angel’s statement he was obviously incredibly suspicious, but gave in to your practically see-through attempt to get him out of the kitchen  
throwing his hands in the air  
“Alright, but I will be right in the next room..”  
and with the veiled threat and a stern glance at Balthazar stomped off. You whirled around and Balthazar looked both unrepentant and incredibly smug.  
“I would really love if you would stop doing that, it’s embarrassing”  
You said softly, looking down, he frowned obviously unsure what you meant you sighed and tapped your temple  
“Reading my thoughts?”  
he grimaced and seemed contrite, he took a step closer and took your hands, speaking quickly but gently  
“Im sorry Dove, I truly do not intend to, and after some time I will be able to control it.”  
you tilted your head, unsure what he meant, he seemed to be searching for the right words, you squeezed his hands and looked at him curiously  
“What do you mean?”  
He sighed and tried his best to explain, he was afraid to throw the whole thing out there in case it scared you.  
“Its hard to explain, but put it this way…How do you feel? About me I mean?”  
he seemed earnest, and you bit your lip, nervous at the sudden question and trying to think what to say so you wouldn’t seem like a complete fool.  
“Um..I…I don’t know…”  
he smiled softly and released one of your hands to stroke your cheek  
“Don’t be embarrassed, tell me darling”  
he seemed genuinely curious and finally you looked down and muttered self consciously  
“I…I want to be…close to you. I don’t…well…I think I might…”  
you glanced up at him, and he seemed mesmerized, waiting for you to finish. He nodded encouragingly, you figured he knew what you were too embarrassed to say, but he wanted to hear you say it.  
“I…I think…Im in…in love with-“  
He didn’t allow you to finish, he was overjoyed and leaned down to press his lips to yours. It was sweet, but intense, like he was answering your hesitant feelings with very insistent action. Your eyes widened, and then closed, as you surrendered to him; to your angel.  
   After a long moment he pulled back, the goofiest smile on his face and your face was blazing, but you smiled in return. In that first moment you had been unsure, but something deep inside you had sung to the heavens as his lips touched yours. It was so crazy, like a fairies spell in Midsummer Night’s Dream. When you had woke up in Balthazar’s arms before it was like everything was new, because your world before had been dark and empty, filled with monsters and fear, and suddenly everything had been burned away and you couldn’t quite remember why you had been so afraid. You hadn’t forgotten the horrors, but you couldn’t bring yourself to be fearful with him near. It was unexpected and immediate, maybe it was a fairy spell, but it was so wonderful to feel this way; to feel complete again.    
“What does this mean?”  
You asked, wide eyed but full of joy. Balthazar’s smile was so gentle as he leaned down and pressed his forehead to yours, He chuckled as he looked into your eyes  
“It means you will never be alone again.”  
You had to remember how to breathe, was this really happening? The warmth was radiating happily, you finally built up the courage and asked him  
“what is this?”  
you pointed to your chest and he tilted his head, confused  
“It’s like this warmth in my chest, only now since I woke up it feels like its everywhere.”  
His face lit with understanding  
“It’s your soul my dear. What you feel is your soul reacting to my Grace. Grace is an angel’s source of power and life”  
he released your hands to cup your cheeks between his broad palms and he seemed nervous, How would you react when you realized how deeply connected you were? Would it frighten you?  
“When…when you woke up it was because I chose you. My grace bonded with your soul, and your soul chose me in return. It’s why my wound healed and you were able to awaken unharmed.”  
He stopped, trying to gauge your reaction. Your brow was furrowed as you looked at his chiseled features. He…he chose you? Bonding souls and angel’s grace…it all sounded like a fairy tale.   
“Y-You mean…you chose me…to..?”  
He smiled, encouraged when you didn’t seem frightened or disgusted  
“I chose you to be my mate. Angels mate only once in their lives, it is something that changes our very molecules. I am bound to you, now and forever, mi amore.”  
You forgot how to breathe again; you knew he spoke the truth because you felt the changes in yourself, the irresistible pull to be near him. The way there seemed to be an invisible wall between the nightmare and the pain it used to instill. You just stared at him for a long moment, as if memorizing every feature. He seemed worried when you didn’t say anything and moved to step back and drop his hands from your face. You felt panicked and reached out to grab a fistful of his shirt and do something you had felt the urge to do since waking up.  
  You stepped forward and buried your face in his chest lightly, fists holding his shirt. His chest rumbled happily against your ear and his arms wrapped around you tightly; his cheek nestled against your hair  
“Does this mean..?”  
Balthazar repeated your question and it was your turn to chuckle, placing a light kiss on his exposed clavicle, his shirt revealed a large triangle of his muscular but lean chest.  
“It means…we have a lot of work to do. When this Raphael is gone we can be together right?”  
Balthazar pulled back so he could look into your eyes, he seemed as mystified as you were. You had to remind yourself that this was all new for him too.  
“Are you sure? Raphael…he is vicious…we are at war in heaven”  
Normally you would have cringed, but instead you smiled  
“It’s not like ill be meeting him, I’ll be tech support. I’ll get you any information I can and you boys can finish this. Then we can explore this.”  
He was so amazed, it wasn’t that the bonding had changed you; this is who you were under the fear and pain; a brave, beautiful, intelligent woman. He felt like father himself had molded you just for him, and he wanted to finish this war as soon as he could, so he would never have to leave your side again.  
You reluctantly moved away toward the fridge

“Now I have to get started on dinner, do you want to help me?”  
Balthazar moved forward and helped you to gather the ingredients.  
  
Meanwhile, Bobby moved away from the kitchen doorway, his face near white. You had some hinky love connection with this angel? Bonded forever…that was not exactly what he had expected but he now knew why Castiel had been so evasive. That however, was only part of his worry.  
   That light in your eyes had him nervous, that wasn’t just some knack for languages. Your eyes had reminded him of something. The day he and Dean had met Castiel in that barn, bobby had been made unconscious but he remembered those eyes. They had burned with a fierce white light, not the same as yours, but too similar for him to remain blissfully ignorant. When Castiel returned he would need to have a serious conversation with him about you. About this Balthazar business…and what exactly your power was, and where it came from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a HUGE twist for you guys in the next few chapters, so shoot me any ideas and make sure you bookmark this so you can keep up to date!  
> and as always comments and critiques are welcomed! thanks for reading!


	6. Makings of a plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your nightmares reveal the ugly truth of your past to balthazar, and it gives balthazar a great idea to buy time to find the weapons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mainly wanted to reveal your past may be editing the scenario if not well recieved. love feedback and requests so enjoy !

It was late, everyone had wandered off to bed after dinner but you sat reading while Balthazar remained close. Poor bobby had been so stubborn he was currently snoring on the couch Balthazar had previously inhabited. You had covered him with a blanket and made sure his boots were off at least.  
   Balthazar had asked if you wanted to sleep several times already but something told you that they  needed this information as soon as possible. Your gut said this book held something vital, and you always followed your gut. Eventually your eyes began to droop, and Balthazar smiled softly. He knew he would end up having to carry you to bed. So stubborn, but he knew it was because you wanted to help him, and he loved that.  
  
Half an hour later you lost the battle with your tired eyes. Before you could slump over the text, Balthazar had already lifted you up in his arms; tenderly he looked down on you, basking in your beauty when he heard a familiar noise.   
He chuckled, he had known bobby wasn’t really asleep, but you had not. He turned to look at the older man, who now sat straight and purposeful on the couch. Balthazar nodded   
“Let me get her to bed, and then we can talk.”   
Bobby nodded and Balthazar took you upstairs, he preferred the human pace so he had a few extra minutes with you. He knew castiel would return soon now that you were asleep. He only hoped you would be fine while he was away. It was akin to having his feathered wings torn off to have to be even in the next room; part of the bonding process was this need for closeness with your mate. He just kept telling himself if he suffered now, he could be with you always when it was finished. He only hoped that you would be immune to the pain of separation in sleep.  
   Finally he had to force himself to walk back downstairs and face your adoptive father. Balthazar was pretty sure why the man had waited to speak alone, and he was prepared for the worst.  
Bobby looked as surely as usual, he regarded the angel for a long moment but Balthazar broke the silence first.  
“I know you heard our earlier conversation. Can we skip the clichéd threats and move along to the more important bits?”  
His attitude was nonchalant, but he knew if bobby took against him you would get hurt. He didn’t know everything about your past, but bobby was for all intents and purposes your father and he wouldn’t burn any bridges if he could help it.  
  
Bobby chuckled, that was not what the tense angel had expected  
“Look here, I can’t say I understand or like all this…this hokey angel business…”  
Bobby eyeballed Balthazar and asked outright  
“You love her?”  
The angel didn’t even hesitate  
“with every ounce of my being.”  
Bobby sighed giving him a skeptical look  
“after one day?”  
Balthazar laughed  
“for good or ill, a lot can change in a day. You know better than most.”  
He replied, and considering the sheer number of life altering events bobby had been party to, it was true.  
Bobby grumbled softly and finally he looked your angel straight in the eye  
“She shouldn’t be in the middle of all this…”  
Balthazar gave him a dry look and bobby backtracked  
“I know I called her in, but readin a damn book and havin a vested interest…”   
bobby motioned to the angel and Balthazar grimaced. He knew all too well the fears bobby held. Raphael would not hesitate to use you to get leverage if he ever found out about you.   
“I would never let her come to harm. Raphael won’t get to her.”  
Bobby shook his head  
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”  
Balthazar was confused, wasn’t his ability to protect you what was in question? Bobby chuckled sarcastically  
“That’s the trouble with the way you angels do it. You don’t know her as well as I do.”  
He looked off into the distance for a long moment before finally turning back and Balthazar was unnerved at the sadness there  
“I won’t tell ye what all happened, that’s her story to tell when she’s ready…but she has lost everyone she ever cared about.”  
Balthazar winced as the memories he and castiel had seen bubbled back. Again he thought they hadn’t seen the worst of your nightmare.  
But bobby’s next thought stopped him cold  
“You don’t think she’d throw herself in harm’s way to save you?”  
Balthazar felt the unfamiliar prickle of panic. He didn’t even have to think about it; that would be exactly the type of thing you would do.   
Bobby smiled sadly, and nodded  
“Yeah, I thought so. She looks almost as googly-eyed as you do.”  
He sighed and shook his head  
“I can’t say I like you, but you’ve done more for her than I ever could. Just remember, she’s been through a lot.”  
he stood and patted the angel’s shoulder gingerly, looking him in the eye again  
“She was a mess after everything she went through, whatever you did she seems to be at peace.”  
Walking towards the stairs he threw the comment back over his shoulder.  
“I don’t want to know what she would be like if she lost you on top of everything else.”  
Balthazar blinked and he was kneeling beside you while you slept, and the pain receded.   
You smiled softly and through the bond an image of your dreams popped into his head.  
    
 You were lying against his chest, a beautiful sundress spread around you. You both sat on a blanket on top of a grassy hill, a lake sat serenely a few hundred feet away. Balthazar recognized that you were dreaming of what seemed to be a date. In the dream he was reading you Robert Frost’s _the road less traveled_ from an old leather-bound anthology.   
  
He smiled; it was so _YOU_. When this was all over he would have to give you that date of your dreams. He would make all your dreams come true so your nightmares had no toe hold ever again. He sensed it when castiel appeared behind him silently. Balthazar leaned down to kiss your cheek  
murmuring softly  
“sleep well, Mi amore.”  
and then they vanished.   
  
A few moments passed and you whimpered in your sleep, dark clouds roiled on the edges of your happy vision.  
Your brain felt like it vibrated, and something just felt off. You were deep asleep but the bond, as strong as it could ever be rang through your unconscious mind.  
  
**_-drip-_**  
  
you heard a voice and you trembled in your sleep  
you would never be rid of that voice  
**_Alone.  
You are all alone.  
You are not safe_**  
**_I will always be here_**  
  
  
The invisible wall that kept the nightmare at bay was still new and flimsy, and when he followed castiel the hollow feeling returned with a vengeance and punched through your chest. You couldn’t find your lungs or you would be screaming. In your dream you turned desperately to Balthazar, and you did scream then, it wasn’t Balthazar, it was that man, as he smiled and winked his jet black eyes.  
   You felt like Alice, falling down the rabbit hole, only you knew even in sleep what was coming was no wonderland.  
The bright colors started to run and blur, becoming muddy and dark. You felt like you were in a kaleidoscope of blood and when the colors finally settled you were back on the floor in your old kitchen. Ribs aching, leg twisted, and your father smiling at you with those same black eyes.   
  
**_Advancing on your mother, he winked, and you cried out, despite your injuries you tried to reach her. He laughed at your struggle, and his eyes never left yours as he gingerly stuck the blade an inch into your mothers shoulder. Slowly and deliberately he twisted it and smiled as she screamed in agony through the tape.  
   “Now sport, which piece should we carve first?”  
your head was swimming from the pain and you could barely see through the tears and blood dripping from him throwing you across the room. You heard her shriek as he ripped the knife back out and heard the sound as her newest wound bled freely onto the floor.  
-drip-  
  
-drip  
  
-drip-  
  
“P-Please, please, let her go. Please Da- I…I mean sir. Please, I…I’ll stay. Just l-let her go.”  
You tried to bargain with him, you almost called him dad, but knew he’d probably break your other leg if you continued to try to plead to his humanity. Whatever that thing was, he certainly wasn’t your dad anymore.  
It seemed to please him that you used the ‘sir’ and he paused in his assault. Your mother screamed protests to you and shook her head. His hand lashed out and the back of his hand lashed out against her face, her head snapped back and she didn’t move. He had knocked her out cold.  
he rolled his shoulder and sighed, as if the process of torture was so tedious  
“I hate when people interrupt polite begging.”  
He looked back to you and grinned evilly, you shuddered and whimpered when it moved your injuries._**  
**_“Now my dear, you were saying?”  
Your body was shaking so fresh waves of agony washed over you every moment, you sobbed and tried to wipe the blood from your eyes  
“what do you want. Just tell me please what do you want?”  
you begged shamelessly Maybe if you knew his motive you could talk him down, but your thoughts were interrupted as he laughed, loudly and happily. He walked forward casually and squatted down next to you, it took everything you had not to cringe away.  
“oh you are funny. I have exactly what I want kid. Blood and pain. “  
His fingers curled around the break in your leg and you shrieked as he squeezed lightly, he smirked but his eyes were angry and cold.  
“You will never escape. You’re going to watch your mother die. And then I’m going to do the same to you.”  
A thought seemed to occur to him and he smiled. It was a feverish delighted kind of smile and it terrified you. He reached up and caught your bottom jaw in a vice grip  
“But then again, why should daddy get to have all the fun?”  
he opened his mouth and you screamed but you were cut short as a column of what seemed to be black smoke tunneled out of your father’s mouth and rammed itself down your throat.  
  
  
_** Balthazar’s legs buckled suddenly and castiel turned, concerned. They were thousands of miles away, looking for Balthazar’s stash of heavenly weapons in one of the many places. He had hid them well and it was taking them longer than he had hoped to track them down. They needed more time!  
  
He felt agony, his throat burned and he felt a fear that was not his own. His eyes were wide and panicked as he turned to castiel and murmured your name and an apology.  
A moment later he knelt beside you, and cursed himself to Hades for leaving you alone. **_  
_** He knew the reason you had recovered was because his grace had effectively become a wall between you and your memories, he didn’t think about the risk of being away from you when you were most vulnerable to your nightmares. You were regressing and the strain was too great, that’s what had summoned him from so far away, your mind was going to give out if he couldn’t wake you up.  
He gripped you tight and pressed his forehead to yours; pouring all of his grace into the bond and within moments your nightmare came to life. ** _  
  
  
You felt as if you were being pressed down. Farther and farther until you lost control of your body and everything got fuzzy. Then, you heard your voice, but you weren’t doing the speaking  
“oooh, you are much more comfortable than daddy.”  
Your body moved to stand on your broken leg. You felt every agonizing movement but there was nothing you could do. You tried to lash out or do anything, but you felt so weak; felt like there was a giant hand crushing you into a dark closet. You saw everything, felt everything, but it was phantom pain. You were a ghost inside your own body, and it was terrifying.  
  You saw your hand reach down and pick up the knife from your fathers limp hands. Blood trickled from his mouth and you knew he was dead and had been dead for a while, maybe since he had left days ago for his business trip. The whatever-it-was chuckled  
*good guess, yes I’ve been in your daddy doing all kinds of naughty things for days. Now no more chatter. Mommy needs our attention.*  
You fought against the prison, screaming defiance as it approached your mother; approached your mother looking like you. She fought into consciousness and her head snapped up, looking around she spotted you, then took in the knife, and finally the body lying behind you. She stared at your father’s body for a long moment, tears leaking down her face. You knew even though he had done horrible things, she somehow knew it hadn’t been her husband. You saw your hand reach out to pull the tape away and your mother’s sobs were finally unmuffled  
“oh baby, baby are you okay?”  
You felt the amused purring of the thing in your mind, it was toying with her.   
“I’m okay.”  
She sighed, relieved, still sobbing.  
“Can you get this untied baby? We have to get help”  
You felt yourself smile. Your mother froze, she knew your smile better than anyone, and that wasn’t it.  
And then you realized what it had meant…about ‘daddy having all the fun’ and you fought even harder against the bonds.  
*I WONT LET YOU HURT HER! YOU BASTARD! NO NO NO NO!*  
You felt a harsh flare of agony and your defiant screams were silenced with a choking finality.  
*I’m not going to do anything.*  
its silky hiss rang inside your mind.  
*you are*  
your mother trembled, but it was fury, not terror that caused her tremors.  
She glared hatefully and shouted  
“Get out of her you demonic filth! Leave her alone!”  
Even in your ethereal state you were shocked, d-demonic? This thing was some kind of demon? Demons weren’t real! They don’t exist!  
The demon laughed boisterously  
“Oh still haven’t lost your touch, I was hoping to toy with you some more.”  
You heard yourself say cheerfully, inspecting the blade in your hands  
“You were a great hunter, but this familial bliss made you rusty. Frankly I expected more of a challenge.”  
You heard the thing say with your lips, and you couldn’t believe what she said next  
“I sent you back to hell once, someone else will do it for good this time.”  
She sent it to hell? The demon laughed again and addressed your mother  
“you know very well she’s awake, never told her about mommy’s old life did you?”  
she looked straight into your eyes, and winced when they turned jet black, tears leaked down her cheeks and she smiled gently and murmured your name.  
“Don’t be scared baby. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s not your daddy’s fault.”  
She closed her eyes and smiled gently, raising herself so she sat tall and proud.   
“I love you baby. It’s going to be okay, don’t be afra-UGH.”  
You screamed and screamed and screamed in your silent prison. But no matter how long or hard you wished it; no matter how hard you fought, the knife didn’t leave her chest. The feeling of her blood on your hands would never be washed clean. And the laughter wouldn’t stop.  
  
_**  
Balthazar jerked away, he was trembling and panting. Father above, the agony was too much to bear, he swore from this moment on he would never leave you alone again; would never make you relive this ever again. A plan started to form right then.  
He hugged you tightly and pressed a kiss to your temple and trailed down until he reached your lips.   
He stroked your hair and whispered softly in your ear  
“I’m here. Don’t be afraid little dove, wake up.”  
  
You struggled to wade through the nightmare, struggled to awaken. Something inside you knew if you could just move you would find relief from the pain. But all around you was that despicable laughter, blood and pain, which way was up?  
  
Balthazar stroked your hair; it always seemed to calm you. He didn’t know you loved it because your mother used to stroke your hair the same way…  
  
and then your body snapped forward and your arms flew up to encircle his neck tightly, he didn’t protest but exhaled softly in relief. His arms held you tightly against him as you sobbed hysterically, tears streamed down your face and your eyes squeezed shut as you inhaled his scent.  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” **** __  
you were in a panic, the image of your mother seared onto your brain and all you could do was beg. Beg for forgiveness from your family because you weren’t strong enough. Beg forgiveness from Balthazar because you knew he had seen. He knew the horrible thing you had done.  
   He shushed you softly, stroking your hair, turning to kiss whatever part of you he could reach  
“its okay, you’re safe, I’m here my love.”  
You shook your head violently and shifted to pull away, but he wouldn’t allow that. He forced you to look at him and your eyes were pleading, would he hate you as much as you hated yourself?  
He pulled you to him with everything he had and kissed you. It was a desperate kiss; you needed to know how wholly he belonged to you. He needed you to see you didn’t have to be afraid because there was nothing you could ever do to make him stop loving you.  
   The tears would not stop coming, but you kissed him just as desperately, needing his comfort more than air. You felt his grace wrap around you as tightly as his arms and it seemed to be soothing and building the wall back; brick by brick. Protecting you from the unending laughter and searing pain.  
  
after a while you lay your head against his chest, tears drying against your cheeks, and his grip gentle. He nuzzled against your hair and your lips curl into a hesitant smile. He hummed softly, it sounded like a ballad and you close your eyes, both listening and feeling his song as his chest rumbled against your ear.   
You weren’t sure what to say, so you just enjoyed the quiet and his soft hum, after a few minutes the song drifted to a close, and he knew without looking you had drifted off; this time he would ensure your slumber stayed peaceful. He scooted you so your head lay in his lap, your fingers formed fists around his clothes, ensuring even in sleep he would not move away. He stroked his fingers lightly through your hair and you made a soft contented noise.  
Balthazar bowed his head and prayed silently, after a moment Castiel appeared, silently as he looked at Balthazar and you. They spoke and it was so quiet anyone but an angel probably would have mistaken it for the wind.  
  
Balthazar smiled sheepishly  
“Castiel, im sorry for leaving but Ive had an idea”  
castiel sighed, he was aggravated but he understood his friend’s distraction.  
“We must tread carefully Balthazar, what are you scheming now?”  
Your angel chuckled and looked back down at you, his eyes softening as he watched you sleep, but his lips turned in fierce determination. He looked back up at his old friend and laid it out  
“I cannot be away from her now, but in order to search safely…we will need a distraction.”  
Castiel was about to protest vehemently, if you were caught in the open they couldn’t guarantee your safety, but as Balthazar continued his curiosity was piqued.  
After a moment he sighed, taking the bait. If he would risk searching with you, obviously he thought his idea was good.   
“Alright, what is your plan?”  
Balthazar smiled widely, and his hands moved excitably as he outlined the idea. It took a while but as he concluded he added smugly  
“…and all we need is a day or two of those boys stumbling around and we’ll have the weapons while Raphael has a key to a bus depot in Grand Central Station.”  
Castiel grimaced, but he wanted to hug his old friend. It was indeed a great plan, but his conscience tugged at him at the trickery involved. Then again…he was at war, and sacrifices had to be made.   
“Alright… Tomorrow we hunt the weapons…”  
he eyed your sleeping form skeptically but sighed and shook his head, turning to look through the wall at his sleeping friends next door  
“We have to hope they can buy us enough time.”


	7. Ready, set, FLY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plans are forming to give your angels time to search for the weapons. will you help or hinder their progress?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had a few requests to continue the story! i had several chapters written but they were lost in the move =( so im rewriting and this is kind of a segway. Next chapter will be The French Mistake from reader and balthazar's POV so please LEAVE COMMENTS! BOOKMARK! CRITIQUE OR REQUEST!  
> its gonna be a long one next chapter; i love this story and hope you guys do to!

You groaned as you were jostled and a familiar voice murmured softly in French; their breath tickling your ear.  
~~“Réveillez petite colombe , nous devons y aller maintenant”~~  
After a moment your ears seemed to clear and you opened your eyes  
“wake up little dove, we have to go.”  
  
Balthazar leaned over you, his face anxious. You felt a buzzing of anxiety, something was amiss; you weren’t sure how you knew but you did. Something was very wrong.  
“Balthazar what has happened?”  
but it came out in french  
“ ~~Balthazar ce qui est arrivé~~  ?He shook his head, a sign that now was not the time for questions and gingerly pulled you up so you were standing. He placed his hands on either side of your face, cradling it like you were fragile and precious.  
He spoke in rapid French, voice just above a whisper, glancing behind him you realized why.  
  It was still dark outside, not pitch black so most likely early morning.  
“You know about the weapons and that we must find them?”  
You nodded once, listening intently. You knew he had to go but the thought of being away was painful.  
“I do not want to leave you, so I am going to resort to something drastic, but it may save us all. Do you trust me?”  
You nodded again without pause, reaching to cover one of his hands with your own and squeeze gently. It felt nice to know he didn’t want to be separated either.  
“With my life.”  
You murmured and he smiled, leaning to kiss your lips for a heartbeat before continuing  
“I will need you to do whatever I ask without question and without hesitation. Can you do this?”  
You nod in assent and he smiled, but the anxiety hidden in his eyes left a knot of worry gnawing at your insides. You trusted Balthazar explicitly, which showed how very much you had changed. Just two days ago you wouldn’t have trusted him an inch, and now you would follow him into unknown dangers you knew nothing about without even thinking about it.  
   He released your face after another, more lingering kiss and settled for holding one of your hands, he turned and you noticed Castiel on the other side of the room, waiting silently. Balthazar addressed him and you smiled hesitantly, an action Castiel noticed and reciprocated in his own way. Nodding in your direction respectfully and one corner of his lip twitching, well it was a start.   
You were unsure what was happening but hoped it would somehow get you and your friends’ one step closer to ending this war.  
  Balthazar looked from you to Castiel, addressing you both.  
“Okay, I will carry you at first Mi amore. We must move quickly but it shouldn’t be too uncomfortable if I shield you from the brunt of it.”  
You nodded, a reply would slow them down so you kept silent, absorbing all you could to prepare yourself for what they planned but knowing you were on a need to know basis. Not because he didn’t trust you, but because he wanted to protect you.  
   You felt a twitch of nerves as Balthazar continued explaining to you what lay ahead.  
  “…after we lay the beginning trail and we get our follower you will go with Castiel, I know I know”  
he read your expression and squeezed your fingers  
“ It is not ideal but this sacrifice may very well be the key to getting the weapons undetected and keeping you safe.”  
You did hesitate, but only for a heartbeat, before looking from Balthazar to Castiel and nodding firmly, hoping you radiated confidence and dependability; even though you felt as breakable as glass in a tornado, even with the reassurance of Balthazar’s presence now, you knew you would soon be parted. You just had to hope nothing would happen.  
   After he and Castiel worked out the last few details in voices to fast and low to understand; You began to have a sneaking suspicion something about this plan was not on the level. Balthazar kept shooting nervous glances in your direction, what was he so worried about? He almost looked…guilty?  
  You took a deep breath, hoping your imagination was just making you panic because danger was not so far off, you stood straight as the angels moved apart and Balthazar held out his arms, silently asking permission to lift you into his arms. You blushed lightly, which caused him to flash a smug grin in your direction as he swiftly wrapped his arms around you and lifted you into his arms; bridal style.  
He leaned close to your ear and murmured smoothly  
“ ~~Cette pratique est bonne ma colombe , je l'intention de vous avoir dans mes bras à nouveau très bientôt~~ “  
Your face went from a light red to fevered as his flirty confession sunk under your skin, causing a shiver of shock and, as embarrassing as it was, pleasure rippled through you.“This is good practice my dove, I intend to have you in my arms again very soon.”  
His face lit up as he gleaned an impression of your thoughts and it was all you could do to hide your face against his chest and reply in a muffled whine  
“That’s not fair, you shouldn’t do that.”  
His chest rumbled against your cheek and you sighed, he was laughing at you now, how cruel. You weren’t angry or anything, it just seemed like he got too much pleasure from things that embarrassed you. He was far too blunt for your liking sometimes which made it all the easier to watch you light up like a cringing Christmas tree.   
   Almost as if to bring you both back to the present, Castiel cleared his throat casually. Balthazar flicked an irritated look at his friend but it was gone before it had formed into anything too rude.  
  It was then you realized he was teasing you to distract you from what lay ahead, and a shy smile replaced your grimace. Everything would be okay, after a soft count for your benefit…  
  
_3_  
  
2  
  
1  
  
After that, a soft breeze ruffling the grimy curtains was the only evidence any of you had been in there at all. Bobby twitched in his sleep downstairs, as if some ominous feeling invaded otherwise happy dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> so excited to be a part of this site and start writing again!  
> this is my first multi-chapter fanfic in many years so all suggestions and critiscms are welcomed!
> 
> i also to requests if you decide you like my writing and would love to make your ideas a reality!
> 
> i do other fandoms besides supernatural but its my fav :)
> 
> there will be progressively more adult content as we go on in chapters. romance, fluff and smut for sure ;)


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